But the beginning of this particular year coincides with an important shift in my life, so I want to keep some priorities steady through the process. First, though, the shift–David and I are moving to a new apartment. We aren’t just moving to just any apartment, though. We’re moving into a place that has an air of permanency. It’s a place we’re actively excited to settle into and grow our life around after a couple of years of being in an in-between phase. I can get caught up in all the flashy excitement of newness, planning all sorts of grand ideas for a shiny new life, but that’s not where I want to be focused. I want to be rooted in reality, and actively working to make my reality reflect the genuine love and excitement my life contains.
In true hipster fashion, I was on Pinterest before it was big. I’m a snob, I know, but I was the first wave of users post-beta testing, and it was a pretty cool experience to watch it just blow up in success. I stopped using, though, after a while because I didn’t like feeling caught up in the trappings of all the planning and good intentions without any of the follow through. With the allure of decorating a new apartment, though, I let myself get drawn into that colorful and exhilarating little addiction. I’m working on keeping only pins that are attainable, though, things I genuinely think I can implement in my real life. That, and a collection of awe-inspiring art, because that stuff is just so fun.
Being bipolar is like living an exaggeration of a normal life, and I get caught up in the waves of big big BIG ideas, and then getting crushed by a feeling of absolute failure when those grandiose ideas don’t grow out of the initial planning phase. That’s pretty quid pro quo for humans in general, I know, but the thing about bipolar brain chemistry is just how exaggerated and overwhelming those normal experiences can turn into. This year is the year I want to work on balancing those waves, though, with a more practical and realistic mentality guiding me through the brain chemistry. The more time I spend on medication, the more I feel in control of my life, and that’s a pretty amazing feeling. I still get caught up in the waves, though, and not too recently I went through a couple of [awful] weeks refusing to take meds because omgcrazybrainmuch, but I’m definitely finding my rhythm.